Why assertiveness really matters

Assertiveness gets bad press.  In a male-dominated industry that’s obsessed with winning - we tend to associate assertiveness with those who are pushy and domineering, whose loudness is mistaken for confidence and bullishness for strength.  So the assertive ideal for leaders can often feel daunting to more sensitive creative types.  But this misrepresents assertiveness as its more obnoxious neighbour - aggression - and there’s a fundamental difference between the two, which has everything to do with intent.

 Aggression is characterized by the desire to put your own needs first, with little regard for the needs of others.  But if your mindset is ‘I win, you lose’ – you might score the point but you will rarely win anyone over.  What’s less well understood, is that the intent of true assertiveness is a ‘win-win’ situation.  Assertive people don’t shy away from standing up for themselves and saying what they think, but they do so in a way that respects the opinions of others and constructively moves things on. If this all sounds like a long-winded way of getting things done, then perhaps you need to examine your motives.  

 At the other end of the scale from aggression is passiveness - the realm of the people-pleaser. When we are passive we concede our power to others and put their needs before our own – ‘you win, I lose’.  Those at this end of the spectrum can often feel put upon and resentful that they haven’t spoken up for themselves. Unassertive people also have a bad habit of telling everyone what they want to hear…which is all well and good until everyone gets let down.  And let’s face it - behaving like a doormat never got a great idea off the ground.

 If you imagine a line between passive and aggressive behavior, then assertiveness sits bang in the middle.  Whilst finding your balance on the tightrope between the two can be tricky, that assertive middle ground is essential for effective creative leadership:

 Assertiveness aids collaboration

As the authors of the classic text on assertiveness, ‘Your Perfect Right’, make clear, the aim is to achieve equality in any discussion or relationship – which is the bed-rock of collaboration.  A truly collaborative creative culture can only exist in a safe environment where all opinions are valued, as the team will only learn to share openly when they’re assured there are no consequences to speaking up and being vulnerable.  Assertive leaders create these environments by not being afraid to raise difficult issues, share their mistakes and voice brave ideas.  In so doing, they encourage those around them to do the same. 

 Assertiveness enables innovation

Any situation that requires a challenge to the status quo, such as leading innovation or change, needs leaders who are able to drive progress in the face of resistance. The most innovative leaders are those that are willing to tackle authority in order to bend the rules and shake-up established thinking.  But these things require an assertive approach.  Be too passive and stasis will prevail.  Too pushy and you create politics and conflict that can block great ideas.  Assertive leaders combine positivity with persistence – allowing them to stay focused on making things happen whilst bringing others with them.

 Assertiveness sells ideas 

We know how fragile creative ideas can be in the wrong hands.  Like little birds – if you hold them too tightly you will crush them – too loose and they will fly away.  It takes an assertive leader to defend an idea with conviction whilst allowing enough breathing space for everyone to arrive on the same page without feeling coerced.

 However, whilst the need for assertive leadership in creative businesses is clear, in practice, asserting yourself can be tough.  Especially in an industry full of opinionated people, where it can often feel like a battle to make yourself heard.  Whether you avoid conflict like the plague, or love a good scrap - the firm but fair approach might seem a world away from your usual style but by following some of these key principles of assertive behavior, you can rise above all the posturing without having to engage in the fight: 

 Start with positive intent

Opening any discussion with the assumption of positive intent on both sides will more likely get things off on the right foot, than wading in braced for the worst. Going in on the offensive means the other side will immediately start to defend their corner and you’ll have lost any goodwill before you even start. Instead try approaching tough conversations with high hopes and reasonable expectations.  As Churchill once said, “attitude is a little thing that makes a big difference”.

 Be direct

Self-deprecation and downplaying your opinions is unconstructive humility – it’s wounding yourself before someone else can stick the knife in and sends the signal that your ideas are not to be taken seriously. So assert yourself by being direct and unapologetic in saying what you want or how you feel.  If you’re not used to doing this it can feel brazen at first. But expressing yourself clearly and calmly whilst getting to the point not only conveys self-respect but is respectful too. Your clarity will prevent misunderstandings and wasting time -  as beating around the bush is frankly, annoying.  

 Learn to empathise

Remember, your opinion is just yours.  So the power in being assertive lies in being able to see the world through someone else’s eyes, and appreciate their view enough to reflect on your own.  Lack of consideration for another’s perspective will more likely put their backs up than get them to back you - so if you want to avoid a battle of wills, listen deeply to others first.  Interestingly, according to the authors of ‘Difficult Conversations’ from the Harvard Negotiation Project, we care more that someone is trying to empathise with us than we do in believing that they’ve succeeded. So, whilst you may not actually see eye to eye, you’re more likely to make progress if they feel that you’ve tried.

 Show some respect

“Needing to be right is a form of violence.”- Eckhart Tolle

 Let’s be clear, whilst constructive conflict can be the lifeblood of creativity – aggression definitely isn’t. Don’t get me wrong - it’s ok to enjoy a good debate…afterall, a bit of strategic one-up-man-ship, or fierce discussion around the work can push the boundaries of creativity.  But the key difference between making an impassioned case for your pitch and being a dogmatic bully – is respect.  You can, after all, care deeply about making your point in a respectful manner without forcing your opinion down the other side’s throat, or hammering away until they get bored of trying to defeat your idiotic superiority. 

Stop defending – start learning 

Instead, when we drop the battle and adopt an attitude of curiosity, engaging in others’ ideas instead of simply protecting our own – we open our minds to new thinking that might unlock ideas we didn’t expect.  Being prepared to let go of the need to win means we open ourselves up to new possibilities and a far more creative outlook.  Assertive people also understand that there’s no shame or weakness in admitting when we’re wrong.  Standing up for ourselves is just as powerful as knowing when to stand down. 

 Set boundaries

“The difference between successful people and really successful people is that really successful people say no to almost everything”- Warren Buffet

 Whether it’s saying ‘no’ to unreasonable requests, asking for more time to get something done or sticking to your guns about something that matters - knowing your limits and being prepared to state them means you can protect your time and interests so you won’t get overloaded or feel taken advantage of. Being assertive means that you recognize your inherent value and that you deserve to be treated with respect, just like everyone else. So, it’s ok to stand up to others, as long as you accept their right to stand up to you too. 

 Remember, assertiveness is not a technique for getting your own way it’s about communicating in an authentic way that will give your ideas their best chance against a tide of opinion. The truth is that people won’t always respond in the way you’d like and you will often have to compromise, but when you’ve been true to what you believe and your sense of self-worth isn’t rooted in how right or wrong you are, then that’s ok. Speaking up for yourself and your team doesn’t require you to have the loudest voice in the room – it’s your quiet conviction that will cut through all the noise.

 “Be who you are and say how you feel, because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind” – Dr Seuss

https://www.creativereview.co.uk/why-assertiveness-really-matters/